i expect too much from you

I have such high expectations of you and its not fair because it doesnt allow you to trulybe yourself. Yet i expect you to be perfect and noone can be that way. I want tobe there for you and I really dont know how to do that. I want to cater to you but instead i attack and undermine. Its like I am posessed everytime I deal with you and the worst parts of me come out and then I have to act like I meant to do all that cuzotherwise Im crazy for apologizing for being a dick all the time, Right now I'm a dummy I want to marry you and I am the worst. I keep pushing you away when all I want to do is pull you close. You are my comfort and understanding & I want to protect you and yet I am your worst enemy. I keep lying to you just to keep you close even though I know you would definitly be better off with out me. I know we knew each other in a past life and I know it indicates we had a chance for a connection now, but with my behavior I ruined things and I dont see us connectiing next lifetime. I've ignored the signs to change my ways and now my sacral chakra is blocked. My fast decisions have caused destruction across my life and now I'm further from you than ever. Please don't let this connection slip away. You truly bring out the best of me even if you are the only one who doesn't recieve it. You are so educated you teach me everytime we connect. There is no getting that energy anywhere else. Folks are literally stealing your hobbies and style just to try to feel like like you. That peace you excude is not easily manufactored. I have decided to stay in my dark energy its just easier. Everytime I try to get better life goes haywire. I dont have the energy to fight to get out this life. I can't use my words so why bother. You aren't hearing what I have to say your guard is up against me. I once saw myself as a god now I see myself as the result of a hand job just messy. I'm not grounded , i'm not right. I'm missing something that leaves me broken. I want to heal and I want to heal with you. My exs are going to try to start mess but i got your back. Although i know you can see them a mile away. I just want you to know I am fighting for this.