Why do i feel stuck

I can't seem to make anything happen. I have been seeking peace and its hiding from me. I can't text you because I won't find the answers I require. I need to see you in person. I need to have physical connection with you. I am aware there are others out there who crave your energy as well. I know I could have had you but i wasn't authentic in my desires and actions. I moved to soon and assumed you would beg to make me happy. I didn't realize I was ugly in my actions and persona. The Gods above see my behavior and cursed me for it. Your ancestors has razed my mind and heart all that left is guilt. I have been able to dream and talk to you but the convo never goes how I want. Even in my dreams you are cursing me out. I'm thinking of calling you and asking you to pull my cards. Trust me I'm prepared to kiss your ass to get some help. I know full well that I can't wear a mask around you. I just don't know who the real me is so there might not be alot there to even deal with. You on the other hand you're brillant and see all my actions a few steps before i even do. I let others opinions and stories deter me from having healthy connections. These opinions influenced my lies and worsened my brokenness. I want to be like you. I want you to be my bestfriend. I want you to be my lover. I want to go on adventures with you. I want to be the smooth operator in your life. I want to make you smile. I won't fake the funk with you. I'm still connected to someone else but I'm leaving for my emotional well being. I owe myself more than what I have accepted.