Let's risk it all

I have been sitting here thinking for a while now and things have to change. I have to change. We have to change. I want forever with you. i know in the past none of my nehavior was consitent enough for you to believe what I am sayin now but I mean it. I know I had to make a decision. I know I couldn't have it both ways. Either I was in with you or I was gone and being gone just is not a option.You bring a light into my life I can't find anywhere else. I din't have what I felt you deserved and so I went around those who wouldn't notice they weren't getting my best and was actually dealing with me at my worse. I don't have the right to ask you to come back to me. I destated you over and over and felt shame but pushed it aside. If i denied it enough maybe it would become true. I have so much to say now that you may not want to hear. I took a little out of you everyday and expected you to still perform at 100%. I was young when we started all this. I fucked up and i don't know how to fix this. Its like a thousand small shards of glass I'll never find every piece of it. I keep going over and over how I played myself and lost you. I was to busy searching out the thrills and frills in life. I have to change because you are pulling away from me. I want to go on adventures with you. I want to stay forever by your side. Can't even muster up the courage to ask you on a date.I used to be a chater and I am scared I don't have it all out of my system. I almost want to date you thru another person just so I can't be the one to mess it up. I am slowly growing up but let me tell you I have a long way to go. I feel like everything I touch dies. I just want to sit across from you and tell you my life story maybe you can helo me make sense of it. I know that with you everything has clarity. I kept telling you I didn't want forever with you. I wanted you to beg me for it but you wouldn't chase me. You wouldn't put forth a effort that was beneath you and I understand that. Quite honestly I am more than aware my chances are up but I still want one more chance. I feel like if we finally connect you will give me the love I was always seeking. i am not turning over a new leaf I am growing a whole new tree. Change is inevitable so I am going to lead this next charge. I am coming for you and if you turn me away its no less then I deserve but I hope you aceept me back.

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