Who can I run to?

 Why do I keep hurting myself dealing with you? Like a inflamed muscle I don't rest I just keep pushing and straining and I'm getting weaker. My solar plexus chakra is all blocked my eating habits are trash, I feel like the world is against me. I have been unreliable in the past and I fear I can't change that part of myself. I feel dirty like if I touch anything it will turn to shit. My soul feels dark. It's like my brain is congested with shame. I keep picking these people to be in my life and they just hang around never adding to me except outwardly. When I turn my thoughts to you I feel peace and my brain becomes calm. My connection with you soothes my soul. I want to be delicate with you, but like a flower growing thru concrete a inner gumption, a "against all the odds" type vibe. Like the bright colors of bee balm you are bright,  vibrant and you create abundance. I keep thinking about how it used to be and what I would do differently, but I can't get out my head to do anything about it. Who am I supposed to turn to? Who do I talk about my confusion when it comes to you because I can't make heads or tail of it.??