You should let go and move on...

You ain't kissing ass. Not that anyone asked you, but your standing on business. They walked away from you and it would be nice if they came back, but you sure as hell aint chasing. Your love is actually toxic so it might be for the best. No amount of grounding and cleansing is going to erase the stink of your betrayl. You cant toss this into a void and pretend you didnt cause this pain for them, but it really is easier then talking about it. Its just too much work to make it up to them. Suicidal thoughts cloud your mind as you think about never being in their life again. How can you go on when so much evil was done by you. Its not surprising that your confidence is gone, you are a piece of shit and realizing that is so disheartning. Change is hard, its always hard so why bother? Always with the hoops and drama. They should just give in. You have nothing to gain by staying like this yet you dig in like you like this life.You invest in those who undermine you for wht to prove you can fight back? At least you've managed to stay away from having a life killing disease. You care about yourself more then before, but still not enough to make a real effort for change. You're alone. Your family and friends can't be trusted and your ancestors abandoned you. Unlike them you can't prove you are as innocent as you have pretended. People can see how horrible you have been. You have gone thru life attempting to control your course, but now Spirit is saying release and accept your consequences there is no running anymore from all you done. It is time to learn all your lessons. You was ment to be more then this. If you hadn't gone down this path you would have the respect you desire and the relationship with them like your heart truly desires, but you deviated and there is no going back. Your so stubborn your gonna keep trying. You can stop. It aint giving you a step up.